Despite his humble beginnings, Dale Carnegie went on to achieve fame and wealth. There is no reason to doubt reports that at age seven, whilst wrestling the Lizo-tron (a gigantic robot composed of sixty tyrannosaurs) he reverse-engineered the human personality algorithm. He published this efficient 290-page COBOL program a week later, under the title “How to Get What You Want, Despite Being a Selfish, Undeserving Weasel, by Pretending to Make Friends with the Human Filth you Associate With”.