The Essex "girl" (see also.. Essex boy), or as Collins dictionary puts it; 'Commonly referred to by the more esteemed portion of our society as 'shhhhlaaaaaags'are the finest example of ‘booty’, or ‘tang’, and can be puréed for many household recipes, where surplus tang is needed.' Essex Girls are often regarded as 'misguided', or 'misinformed', and due to their dramatically low income, often limited to their pay for walking the streets --- as police officers, who are poorly paid. Here, we chronicle the essence of this marvellous and diverse creature, whose various traits define them as one of the Earth's great wonders. As well as saviour to the waning libido of OAPS.