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| - Back in the Freeling House, extremely short Tangina Barrons is conducting a thorough investigation. Ryan, Oda Mae and Steven and Diane are standing beside the entrance to the kitchen as Tangina walks through. Tangina (in a hoarse, raspy voice) Would ya'll mind movin'? You're jammin' my frequencies. [holds up a small transistor radio] Steve [to Oda Mae] What's the problem, can't she just use her mind to pick up the signals? Tangina You moron, this is t' pick up the white noises! Those always prove useful, we can write down the coded messages sent and find out something extremely useful from them. Just look at this message I got while clearing a castle in Germany! She produces a piece of notebook paper with the words "SIEK HEILghos" and "JAWL MIN FRUHR" scrawled on it. Diane Either that ghost can't spell worth shit or you completely made the whole thing up. Tangina Don't talk down to the more experienced. How the f*** could you undahstand such complicated science? Now no more talkin' because I'm also listenin' with mah mind! The voice of Tom Cruise is suddenly audible Tom Cruise [struggling] Believe me, young lady, once you deposit all your family's savings into Scientology you'll be more than glad you did it! No one wants to have --OOF-- body thetans hanging around! Carol Ann STOP IT, you stupid f***ing moron! You're not getting any money from me or my family! Tangina Oh no! I know that voice! Now you must all take control of yourselves...to her it is merely Tom Cruise...a deluded, wasted millionaire. To us, however, it is someone far more dark and sinister...it is L. Ron Hubbbard, the founder of Scientology itself and drugged up to the teeth the way he was when he died! Diane Oh lord, no! What can we do?? Tangina I'm afraid this will be very hard for you...which one of you is more threatening to her? Diane Neither one! I mean...well, Steve decides the punishments. Steve Oh no you don't go pinning it on me! YOU were the one who suggested the bricks. It was only my kind, compassionate nature that prevented you from doing it! Diane Ha! I saw you go upstairs with the Grim Reaper costume that one time when the kids wouldn't go to sleep. Steve puts his pointer finger up to protest, but he can't say anything. Tangina Steve, then you need to call to her and tell her that if she doesn't respond to you she'll get punished! Steve Oh very well. [Cups hands to mouth and puts on dark, deep scary Grim Reaper voice] CAROL ANN! CAROL ANN! THIS IS THE GRIM REAPER! Carol Ann Who? Steve THE GRIM REAPER! I AM DEATH! Carol Ann This isn't about the hedge, is it? Steve WHAT?? No, this has...I mean, NO THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE DAMN HEDGE. NOW LISTEN TO ME! YOU'RE DEAD NOW, SO SHUT UP! I MEAN, NO DON'T SHUT UP! TALK! Carol Ann Okay...so Mr Death, are you a reaper? Steve No...Carol Ann, this is your father here. Now listen here, if you don't answer me you'll get a good paddle from both your mother and me! Carol Ann I already am talking! Steve Oh, right. Um...I guess I'll turn it over to you, Diane. Tangina Diane, tell her to go to the light! That's the only way to rescue her from L Ron Hubbard! Diane No! She'll die! Tangina Tell her, you stupid moron, or the next time you see her she'll be a member of the Church of Scientology. Diane Oh okay, alright! Stop threatening me! CAROL ANN, GO TO THE LIGHT SWEETHEART! THAT'S THE ONLY WAY TO ESCAPE TOM CRUISE! Carol Ann Are you in the Light, Mommy? Diane Eeerrrrrggg....YES! MOMMY'S WAITING FOR YOU IN THE LIGHT! NOW RUN, AND GET AWAY FROM THAT STUPID ASSHOLE! Tangina [points towards refrigerator] Now, open the door! Tangina opens door and bright white light erupts from the fridge. Hurricane-force winds whip from the fridge, tearing the kitchen to pieces and tossing the people around like rag dolls. Tangina CALM DOWN YOU STUPID BUTTHOLES! IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL! Wind dies down and kitchen magically returns to normal and Tangina approaches the fridge. Diane No! What are you doing? Tangina I'm going in there, to her! Diane Shouldn't we try throwing tennis balls into it first, so we can see where the exit is? Tangina Very good point! Ryan, bring the tennis balls! Ryan brings in two tennis balls with goofy faces drawn on them. Tangina takes one and orders Steve to stand in the bathroom by the toilet. Tangina throws tennis ball into fridge.
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