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| - Carl: I review a song based on how much comic material I can get out of it. But when I put a song on a list, then I NEVER want to hear it again. After I finish this list, I'm never listening to any of these. Carl:......Okay, look at this (bleep). (screen shows Irving lip-synching to "Baby" by Justin Bieber) Carl: Who is this kid? I don't know. But apparently, he is a lot better at making stupid videos on the internet than I will ever, ever be. Clearly I'm doing something wrong. (screen shows the beginning of the music video of "Down on Me") Carl: First of all, we can add Jeremy, the moron who sang "Birthday (bleep)" to the growing list of one-hit wonders who have a second hit. But the bigger name on this song is the mush-mouth himself, Phinny Cent. And of course, his monotonous flow fits perfectly with this monotonous song. Phineas: (starts rapping) Carl: Whoa, tune it down, Phinny! No need to ham it up. Carl: I feel like I can take this song, chop it up into a hundred different segments and put it back together in a random order, and I wouldn't be able to know the difference in any way. Well, except for this part. Jeremy: (in a squeaky voice) Put it down on me. Carl: (sarcastically) Yes, I will put it down on you, Mr. Chipmunk. Carl: Phinny says this song was only a hit because of his help. I doubt it. He hasn't released a single album since, what was it called, "Gitchee Gitchee Goo Means I Stopped Trying"? No, it was that kid. (screen shows Phineas and Irving lip-synching to "Down on Me") Carl: We regular Internet morons are finding out that we have power. And some of us are using that power in horrible ways. I see some dark days ahead for us. Buford: (rapping) Look at me now, look at me now, oh, I'm getting papers.... Carl: What, arrest papers, you little toad? Carl: Buford seems to be growing more repulsive each passing day, and really, why shouldn't he? He committed a terrible crime, graphic evidence was available everywhere, he hasn't made any remarkable signs of remorse, and yet he still has all his fame and apparently a bunch of supporters, so why shouldn't we assume that he can do whatever the (bleep) he wants? Buford: (rapping) I don't see how you can hate from outside of the club, you can't even get in! (laughs) Carl: But I can hate you from outside of the police station, you piece of (bleep). Carl: If he was just an awful person, that would be one thing. But as "Look at Me Now" proves, he's not only just an awful human being, he's a terrible rapper! Buford: (rapping) And she accidentally fall on my (bleep), oops I said "on my (bleep)", I didn't really mean to say on my (bleep), but since we're talking about my (bleep)..... Carl: Download from iTunes now and get a free puke bucket! (a picture of puke buckets pops up) (screen shows Phineas rapping) Carl:......Phineas, why? Why do you keep rescuing the songs of the worst artists? Carl: Could I really put a song on a list titled "the worst songs of the year" if I only loathe fifty percent of it? Buford: (rapping) Is that right? I'm fresher than a mother(bleep)! Carl: Yes, yes I can. While we're talking about your (bleep), Buford, go eat a (bleep). Carl: "Lighters" proved that a duet between Ferb and Jeremy worked as well as a duet between Fluttershy and the Great and Powerful Trixie. And the more I listen to Baljeet's rap verse on this song, the more disjointed it sounds. Baljeet: (rapping) I remember when Phinny didn't want to work with me, my cars starts itself, parks itself with Autotune.... Carl: Just a transitional phrase, Jeet. Something to connect the set-up with the punchline. That's all I'm asking. Jenny: (singing) Bring me back to life.... Carl: They're singing "bring me back to life", but the song is the exact opposite! This Vanessa knockoff might have worked for the Hot Topic crowd, but for Ferb and Dr. Doof, it makes them seem like two old men straining to do what comes naturally. Heinz: (starts rapping) Carl: And of course, it gave us evidence that we needed a new Dr. Doof album. Heinz: (rapping) When the chips were down, you just laughed at us, now you're about to feel the (bleep) wrath of aftermath, (bleep)s..... Carl:..........Heinz, it's 2012, and you're forty-six. Grow up. Jenny: (singing) I need a doctor..... Carl: Actually, Ferb and Doof both need a doctor. They both sound constipated. Jeremy: Today I don't feel like doing anything, I just wanna lay in my bed.... Carl: (angrily) Hello, Jeremy. Again. Carl: No matter how much I hate this song, and I do, there's a part of me who likes doing nothing all day. There's a part of me that sits in my boxers watching TV all day. There's a part of me who likes making rehash episodes of songs I've already talked about. Carl: I do support a lazy song, NOT "The Lazy Song" because every time I hear it, I feel the need to punch Jeremy in the face. Carl: Also, many people pointed me toward the alternate video, which starred TDR. (screen shows TDR listening to headphones, walking down the street, and not smiling) This video is much better and justifies the song's existence. Look at him. Defiant, angry, pointing his middle finger at society and standards of decency. He's not a part of your system, man! I would have loved "The Lazy Song" if it was from the point of this guy, not the smug (bleep) who actually did sing it. TDR, live long and prosper. Jeremy, go bankrupt and die. Carl: Someone asked me once, if I hate "white guy with acoustic guitar" music so much, then what do I think about white GIRLS with acoustic guitars? Well, they're out there, and I'm not usually a fan, but that's not an accurate comparison. As far as I'm concerned, the counterpart for the (bleeps) on guitar are the girls with pianos. Isabella: (singing) Who do you think you are, running 'round leaving scars, collecting your jar of hearts, and tearing love apart.... Carl: Isabella has been a dull pain in my life for roughly the past year. The kind of thing that you don't know was causing you so much grief until you realize how long it's been there. It honestly just makes me angry, the same way "Twilight" makes me angry. We have so many talented songwriters out there, but meanwhile, we handed success to this clumsy amateur garbage.................It's about a breakup...........of course it is. Carl: Apparently, she wrote this song about an ex. Guess this isn't the only song written about it. Candace: I wrote sixty-three songs this year, and they're all about Jeremy. I'm going to play every single one of them tonight. Isabella: You're gonna catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul.... Carl:......Burn? I've said before, I'm against Jenny and her songs against men, but she has more experience with dissing an (bleep) that Isabella never realized even exists. Jenny: (singing) I could have another you in a minute, in a fact, he'll be here in a minute.... Carl: That's how it's done, Izzy. I think the big difference is that when Jenny says she doesn't need a guy, she clearly means it. Meanwhile, Isabella has "not over it" written all over her. Isabella: But I have grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms.... Carl: Or, you know what, maybe it's because Jenny doesn't sound like a fourteen year old singing the first song she wrote. Isabella: You lost the love I loved the most.... Carl: Hey, Isabella, when this guy was collecting his jar of hearts, did he accidentally take your brain, too? Nan: This is PFSC. (holds up a painting of herself wearing a warrior costume chopping off Coltrane's head while juggling the heads of Phineas, Ferb, and Stacy) I finally killed them. Carl: Ladies and gentlemen, our Stacy-induced nightmare is finally over. Stacy: (singing) And I owe it all to you, you, you, you, you, you..... Carl: I hope. Carl: Earlier in the year, I stated that "Dirty Bit" was the worst PFSC song ever. But now that it's 2012, let me state, for the record, "Dirty Bit" is the worst song that PFSC has ever recorded. And though it was a hit, that was the last straw, and every ill-will that PFSC had built up over the years had finally collapsed. 2011 was a BAD year for them. Critics thrashed their newest album, sales figures dropped, their Superbowl performance bombed, they released an awful video game (screen shows Carl dancing badly to a PFSC song). Scorn was heaped on them from all sides, and in the wake of this, they announced that they were going on hiatus, performing their last show in November. Will they ever come back? No one knows. But after "Dirty Bit", it seems like no one is clambering for their return. Carl: Now I have to live in fear that my favorite eighties' songs are going to be ruined by PFSC. Candace: (singing) Oooh, baby, do you know what that's worth, oooh, heaven is a place on earth-earth-earth- Coltrane: Dirty bit! Carl: Aaaah! Change it! Albert: Every step you take-take-take-t-t- Coltrane: Dirty bit! Carl: No! Lindana: I'm Lindana and I wanna have-have-have-h-h-h-h- ("Dirty Bit" starts playing) Carl: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Carl: Like I said, a lot of songs start to sound better when I've done a review of them. (the beginning of "Sexy and I Know It" starts playing) Some of them do not. One, however, actually got worse. Irving: I'm sexy and I know it....(takes off all his clothes except for his underwear and starts dancing badly) Gretchen: (looks shocked) Carl: "Sexy and I Know It" was worthless when I heard it, and after editing it for the episode, it got unbearable. And no, it wasn't the video that got to me, although that didn't help. (screen shows Albert wearing nothing but his underwear dancing badly) No, it was that unending beat. Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. Pounding loudly, it never changes, it just gets louder! Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun! Repeated over and over and over again! DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN! Just keeps on going and going and GOING AND GOING AND AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH IT WAS ME! I DID IT! I HID HIS BODY UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS! MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!! Carl: Every defense that I hear of this song is "but it's funny". But it's not. It's stupid, lazy comedy. Carl: "Maybe this song's so bad it's good"? Well, I don't buy that either. I heard a song by Ferb that's out right now that seems like he was trying to win a bet on singing the worst song ever written. Ferb: (rapping) Right on that (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep).... Carl: Oh, it's bad. It's very bad. But I'll be waiting for someone to tell me that it was at least a masterpiece because at least it's interestingly bad. "Sexy and I Know It" isn't interesting, it isn't funny, it isn't music, it isn't good worthwhile. But it is one thing. As of this episode, "Sexy and I Know It" is the number one song in the country. Albert: Girl look at that body.... Carl: I'm depressed and I know it. Carl: Pretty much all of the songs on this list were picked primarily because I didn't like the sound of the music. One was only chosen because I didn't like the lyrics, and even then, it was just one line. But oh, what a line it was. Django: But tonight I'm (bleep)ing you, oh, you know, that tonight I'm (bleep)ing you.... Carl: Well, I know now, Django, but I'm glad that you're keeping me informed. Carl: Ten whole years of building up a reputation of a smooth, sensitive man of romance flushed right down the toilet. What am I supposed to do with the rest of Django's songs now? I can't listen to any of them. Django: (singing) I can be your hero, baby....(switches songs) But tonight I'm (bleep)ing you.....(switches songs) Tonight we dance....(switches songs) (bleep)ing you...(switches songs) You can run, you can hide, but you can't escape my love... Carl: Actually, that one sounds the exact same to me. Carl: I won't be surprised if Django is regretting the day this song became a success. When you're fifty, is this the legacy you want? Heck, he might be regretting it now. I note that he hasn't had another hit since this came out. I'm sensing some biased remorse from Django's diehard fans. Isn't that always how it goes, ladies? He seems like a nice guy at first, but once you got to know him, he turned out to be a real (bleep). Django: But tonight I'm (bleep)ing you... Carl: (unsympathetically) Sorry. Carl: I'm kind of shocked at my number one pick, but the more and more I thought about it, the more it seemed to fit. I don't think anyone's going to agree with it because it doesn't really fit the mold of what people think of as bad pop songs. Does it say anything offensive? No. (screen shows the beginning of the "Tonight Tonight" music video) Does it have horrendously unpleasant music? No. (screen shows the music video) Does anyone swing their (bleep)s in my face? No. (screen shows music video) But I don't define bad in any of those ways. I define bad as the absence of good. And no song this year was anywhere near of devoid of good as Jeremy and the Incidentials. Jeremy: (singing) It's been a really, really messed up week, seven days of torture, seven days of bitter... Carl: I just can't deal with this. Carl: Jeremy and the Incidentials is just something that I don't normally encounter, even in the midst of some of the worst and most unlistenable songs on the radio. I guess other songs on the list are "worse", but I'm putting this right at the top because it shouldn't have even qualified to be on this list. This isn't a pop song. (a picture of the Kidz Bop logo pops up) This is a knockoff of a pop song. This is a direct-to-DVD movie that somehow got released to theaters. It has all of pop music's lack of nutrition, but none of the flavor. It is the already chewed gum of music. Carl: I am still not convinced that Jeremy and the Incidentials aren't the stars of some Nickelodeon sitcom about a band and its crazy adventures. Carl: In my review of this, I made frequent references to the show "Glee" because that's what Jeremy and the Incidentials' sterile unmanliness reminds me of. But if I had done more research, I would have found out that there is, in fact, a "Glee" cast member in the video. (screen shows Cain making out with Candace and strumming a guitar) And worse, that cast member's cousin is the lead singer of the band. Well, you know what, as much as I thought that it was terrible that dorky Youtube twerps can launch songs now, it's better than being associated with "Glee"! Carl: Everything else on this list, from Buford's repulsive ego to Isabella's half-(bleep)ed girly journal (bleep) to Irving and Albert's shocking talentlessness, none of it measures up to badness than this. This is music the way that the cover of a cereal box is art. It is my worst hit song of 2011. Disagree? Too bad, it's my list. I'm Carl the Intern saying, let's hope none of this (bleep) survives into 2012. Goodnight. (episode ends)
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