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| - IF Abbott and Costello were still around today their famous sketch "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this... LOU COSTELLO BUYS A COMPUTER by Tom King ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: What if I don't like wallpaper? ABBOTT: Just change it. COSTELLO: Isn't that expensive? ABBOTT: No, it's free with Windows. COSTELLO: I have to buy the Windows to get the wallpaper. ABBOTT: It's free if you buy the computer. COSTELLO: They give you windows for your office if you buy a computer. ABBOTT: Certainly! COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W". COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet? ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real. COSTELLO: Sure I may want to watch a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need! ABBOTT: Real. COSTELLO: Well, I don’t want a fake one! ABBOTT: Of course. COSTELLO: So what do I get? ABBOTT: Real Player. COSTELLO: Yes, I want a Real Player. ABBOTT: And you’ll have one COSTELLO: A Real Player? ABBOTT: Certainly. COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? ABBOTT: You click the blue "r". COSTELLO: I click the blue what? ABBOTT: The blue "r". COSTELLO: The blue “r” what? ABBOTT: Just the blue “r” COSTELLO: The blue “r” what? ABBOTT: The blue “r” nothing. COSTELLO: If the blue “r” nothing, how do I watch the movie? ABBOTT: You click the blue “r” COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w? ABBOTT: The blue "r" is the Real Player and the blue "W" is Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"! ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world. COSTELLO: What is? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: Word? ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. Word pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there. COSTELLO: Word? ABBOTT: Woooord, dude! COSTELLO: I don’t know what you’re talking about! What about bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! A FEW DAYS LATER . . . ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT: Click on "START".. COSTELLO: Now don't you start that again.... ABBOTT: But I thought you wanted to "STOP" COSTELLO: That's right. This thing has been on for 3 days and I can't find the "STOP" button. ABBOTT: Click on "START" COSTELLO: I don't wanna start! ABBOTT: But you have to click on "START". COSTELLO: Why do I have to click on "START"? ABBOTT: So you can stop..... COSTELLO: So I have to click on "START" to "STOP" ABBOTT: That's so you can log off. COSTELLO: I click "START" and then I log off. ABBOTT: That's right, you log off. COSTELLO: I log off ABBOTT: That's right, now go ahead and log off. COSTELLO; What if I don't have a log. I DON'T EVEN HAVE A FIREPLACE!!!!! ABBOTT: No, you don't need a log. You just want to get out of Windows COSTELLO: Which one? ABBOTT: Which what? COSTELLO: Which Window? ABBOTT: The only Windows you've got. COSTELLO: So it doesn't matter which Windows? ABBOTT: You just want to get out of Windows. (sound of wood and metal scraping followed by breaking glass) ABBOTT: Lou, what was that? COSTELLO: Oh, I threw it out the front windows! You said it didn't matter and the front windows were closer than the back ones.... (c) Tom King: Used by permission
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