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| - Here are a few excerpts from the popular book: From the introduction: Are you tired of having your loved ones' heart surgery being performed by those pesky experienced surgeons? Who isn't? In this book, we show you how to fix heart valves, repair arteries, and patch up holes- on the cheap! From Chapter 1 - Preparing: "Be prepared! That is what heart surgeons would say if they were also Boy Scouts. This rings true in the field of on-your-own heart surgery as well. Always make sure to wash your hands before surgery, and be sure you have all the proper tools, scalpel, thread, duct tape, and kitchen knife. From Chapter 1.5 - Anaesthesia: It may be interesting for the patient if he or she remains conscious during the exercise, but most surgeons choose to apply some form of anaesthesia, because they do not like it when the patient criticizes their work. One of the most common methods is to hit the patient very hard on the head with a hammer. Where to hit, how often to hit, it is all covered in this chapter. Alternatives are also covered, involving gagging and tying up the victim patient. When gagging be sure to gag the patient tight enough so that any scream or sound is muffled. From Chapter 2 - The Heart: The heart can be sometimes difficult to find, especially if you are operating on mean people. The heart is the red throbby thing right inside the ribcage. Start up, and scan down the body. If you see a long coiling thingy that appears to be digesting things, you've gone too far. From Chapter 3 - Materials: Don't have everything you need? Improvise! The ribcage can be opened with a simple tire jack. Most brands of tape can hold together holes. Need a place to put the heart when you're taking a break? The icebox is a great resting spot! Just make sure you don't confuse it with the steaks! From Chapter 4 - Surgery: You've made it! Time to shine. Find somebody you know with a heart defect. (Be sure that they're comfortable with the fact that it's very likely that you'll screw up if it's one of your first few dozen 'trial' runs.) The most important thing is to remain calm. The only thing that panicking does is make you realize that it's incredibly stupid to perform heart surgery yourself. Clearly, that is not very productive when you are going to perform it anyway, and may badly influence the outcome of the operation. Fron Chapter 5 - Prenatal Heart Surgery: Many unborn children suffer from heart problems, often stemming from inbreeding or the prenatal kidney surgery you performed on them last week. This chapter will prepare you to deal with delicate immature bones and undeveloped tissues without confusing the hearts of mother and child. Special bonus section: Twins! From Chapter 10 - Dealing with Fatalities: Every surgeon has one that, well, doesn't make it. Every completely inexperienced neanderthal has about five a week. You'll need to learn how to cope. Be sure to have a malpractice lawyer on hand. (Can't find one? Just buy Malpractice Defence for Dummies at your local bookstore!)
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