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| - __noeditsection__ A report by COWPAT Back when I was a boy, my dad would always say things like "Barry, go mow the lawn", or "Terry, go pour me a drink. And would it kill you to make it a double?" And to make sure I followed through on these tasks I was set, he would tell me that if I didn't obey, he'd "beat me until the cows came home".
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| abstract
| - __noeditsection__ A report by COWPAT Back when I was a boy, my dad would always say things like "Barry, go mow the lawn", or "Terry, go pour me a drink. And would it kill you to make it a double?" And to make sure I followed through on these tasks I was set, he would tell me that if I didn't obey, he'd "beat me until the cows came home". At the time I didn't know how long this meant, but with retrospect I am increasingly relieved that I always complied. As I now know, it has been many years since the cows left. Now don't ask me where they went because I don't know (perhaps they jumped over the moon?). I'm not even sure when they left, but I am now 45 years old and they still haven't returned. That would have been one hell of a beating, I can tell you. I now look back fondly at all those regular 2-hour beatings, knowing they could have been much worse. Anyway, whenever I asked my mother where the cows were and when they'd be back, she always used to reply "Johnny, you can keep asking me that 'til the cows come home; I'm not going to answer." Slowly, I discovered more and more important events were scheduled to happen on this fateful day of bovine homecoming. And so when I became an adult, I founded COWPAT to investigate this mystery, and vigilantly await the return of our four-stomached friends. These days we're all too keen to stop parents hitting their children. But as you can see, it never did me any harm. Quite the opposite. Thanks to my father's callused hands I am now a leader of men. One of the few on this Earth not brainwashed by the media, and capable of seeing The Truth. My dad would be so proud if he were still here (sadly he is otherwise occupied at Her Majesty's Please). Still, it unequivocally proves that kids benefit from physical discipline. Both the other members of COWPAT agree.
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