In Greek mythology, Splenda is the Goddess of your mom's vagina and artificial sweeteners. The preferred consort of Zeus, Splenda was also bestowed the ability to turn any mortal who dared to lust after her into a powdery white substance that was sweet like sugar, but not found to cause cancer in Spartans who were under philosophical observation. Unlike Zeus who lived on Mount Olympus, Splenda resided in her own two-bedroom oracle overlooking the Aegean Sea, and was attended to by clabber of terribly thin Vestal Waifs.