| abstract
| - Darkness. Main Title. Jimmy Hendrix' "Star Spangled Banner" playing. Scenes of various American landmarks flash across the screen. The Lincoln Memorial's head has been replaced by that of Elmer Fudd. Cut to: Overweight, unshaven Steven Freeling sprawled out on the easy chair in front of the television, which is now playing static. The static clears partially to show, Grand Imperial Warlord Xenu (now deposed) who glares with evil out of the television uttering fowl words. Grand Imperial Warlord Xenu: Cluck! Cluck! Cluck! Quack! Quack! Cock a Doodle doo! Grand Imperial Warlord Xenu continues, with foul alien words this time words. Grand Imperial Warlord Xenu: You will never be rid of my evil influence unless you hand over the whole of your life savings to Scientology Static returns, then the static clears partially while Grand Imperial Warlord Xenu speaks again. Grand Imperial Warlord Xenu: I'll goof the floof, just you wait and see if I don't. Static returns then clears yet again while Xenu speaks yet more. Grand Imperial Warlord Xenu: Judges can't stop us! The law can't stop us! Steven Freeling:Err, What did you say? Grand Imperial Warlord Xenu still glaring with evil and making a gesture with his fowl foul alien hand. It is unclear if Xenu is raising one finger skyward in a very rude American gesture or if the evil one is thrusting with two fingers in a similar rude two fingered gesture popular in the United Kingdom, Australia etc. Indeed the strange, evil alien hand may possess one or more strange, evil alien fingers that branch into two part way up, only the disrespectful gesture is clear, Steven Freeling stirs. Steven Freeling: Errr! Ooo! Static returns Steven Freeling goes back to sleep. Footnotes The floor is littered with beer cans. The family dog is loudly and messily consuming the remains of what appears to be a dead animal. Are there rats in the house? The dog runs upstairs into Dana Freeling's room, where it finds an entire chocolate cake underneath the pillow. Devouring the cake, it runs into Carol Ann Freeling and Robbie Freeling's room where it eats Robbie's secret stash of Snicker's bars. Exit dog. Carol Ann sits up suddenly, rubs her eyes and makes her way down the stairs. She gets down on her knees in front of the television. Carol Ann: Hellooooooo? Hellooo? Suddenly Roz from Monsters, Inc. appears on the screen. Roz: HELLO!! HAW HAW HAW!! Carol Ann: What?? Static appears again. Carol Ann: SPEAK UP, YOU STUPID;*******S!!!! I CAN'T HEAR A WORD YOU'RE SAYING!!!! Steven, Dana, Robbie and Mrs. Freeling awaken and come down the stairs. TV ghosts are questioning Carol Ann. Carol Ann (responding to questions): Five....I dunno....I dunno....WHAT??? You pervert!!! How dare you ask me that! [Makes puzzled face] My dental records? The dog returns and is sick over the carpet. Carol Ann MUMMY!!! The dog’s been sick all over the carpet!!! Footnotes
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